I haven’t written a blog post for many months now. Oh how I’ve missed you! I want to fill you in on my world.
I’ll come out with it… For the past 7 months, I’ve been struggling with depression. Depression with a capital D.
My wake up call was back in September, where, after some family planning appointments, I got a new primary care doctor. At the end of one of these appointments, I filled out a generic form to get a baseline for my mood. Questions asking about the sadness, anxiety, or despair that I felt on a daily basis.
If I answered “everyday” on every question, surely I’d be sent to the mental hospital. So I chose to lie.
I lied not on one, not two, but EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. By a lot. I didn’t want to look weak. I didn’t want to be judged.
My inner dialogue sounded like, “Chrissy, what do you honestly have to be depressed about? You’re a life coach and highly skilled workshop facilitator for emotional healing for crying out loud!”
So I put on my happy face and lied. To just about everyone.
The lying caught up with me, as it always does, and my body and spirit shut down. My nervous system (and fiancé) eventually told me I needed psychiatric help.
So I got it.
I had to swallow a lot of pride in order to receive this support, because my badge of honor for the past 5 years was being medication free! I had already “healed” my anxiety and depression. I thought if I got back on meds that I’d be a failure and a fraud in the personal growth world.
I had to go through many ego deaths in order to arrive in the place that I am today. I feel like myself again. Actually, that’s not true… I’m a new person now. This darkness deeply transformed, humbled, and expanded me. I have a new perspective and gratitude for mental health. Today I find myself declaring that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. This is a miracle.
Jim Carey describes depression as a, “f^ck you to the character you’re playing.” In my depression, I realized that I had outgrown the roles I had been playing in my life and career.
My depression taught me that it was time to embody my true character. My life depended on this shift.
Living my truth unapologetically looked like canceling our wedding which was scheduled for May 11th. We decided to focus on our relationship and my mental health instead of a weekend long party. I was able to breathe easier after this.
Next up, my soul told me it was time to let go of a personal growth company I had been coaching and facilitating inside of for the past 5 years. My nervous system told me month after month that it was time to move on, but I wouldn’t listen. It would take my body weeks to recover from these weekend workshops with multiple visits to the chiropractor, abnormal periods, and cysts bursting on my ovaries. In January I made the decision to let go of this work, and while there was SO much to grieve and so much to appreciate about those 5 years of training and love, my body is telling me this was 100% the right decision.
These “let go’s” created the space for my purpose to unfold in an organic, fulfilling, joyful, and abundant way. My depression lifted with these choices.
I was recently interviewed by an incredible woman, where I got to share my journey from depression to breakthrough. In our interview, I share about the moment I got my life force back by taking the biggest risk of my life. Even though it was scary as hell, it was so worth it. I can’t wait for you to hear about it.
My friend Kristen Poczulp is super committed to helping women UP-LEVEL their lives so she’s asked me and about 20 other bad-ass female leaders to come speak on her masterclass series called, Own Your Awesome: How Powerhouse Women Use Their Voice to Make EPIC SHIT Happen. It’s for the woman who is really ready to rock her life in 2019 and take things to a whole new level. She hand picked her panel of experts to showcase female leaders from various industries ranging from Health & Wellness, Career & Finances, Love & Relationships and Spirit & Purpose. Grab your spot right here: Own Your Awesome.
My interview airs April 20th. You won’t want to miss it.
Thanks so much for reading! And if you have any questions about my choices, please reach out.